I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
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