the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
You're breaking my sexual little heart
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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