I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Randomize
