like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I deserve this hangover.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
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