good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
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