if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
you mean i was at the winter classic?
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
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