I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Randomize
