my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
