This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
