god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
Randomize
