im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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