haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
