oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Randomize
