You're a womanizer and a bitch.
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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