she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
