That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
Randomize
