the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
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