12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
