dats a huuuuuge bitch!
who is this????
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
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