So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
