How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Randomize
