i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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