I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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