you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
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