he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
50% drunk capacity currently
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
