I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Randomize
