I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
i came on her dog
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Randomize
