i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
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