you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
