You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
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