Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
