I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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