I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize
