You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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