I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
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