I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
he just fucked me for my cheese..
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Randomize
