You can't motorboat a personality
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
Randomize
