Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
