Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Randomize
