You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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