Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Randomize
