I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
She just used a chaser for red wine.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
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