ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
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