I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
