i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
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