This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
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