Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
How many fucks given?
0.12846
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
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