the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
