Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
So apparently I’m into choking now
Randomize
