Yeh xou jao i ama wa7tdud !!
Oh my god. its not even twelve thirty and you are useless.
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
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