Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Randomize
